The air is cool, and heavy with the various smells of earth and sulfur; and night crawlers have begun to pepper the sidewalks with their icky slithering. Only the one or two headlights are seen, and the occasional paperboy might go by... Sometimes, you might even see a cop car. It's 4:05 AM, and very few are the souls who share my 45 minute journey, once or twice or thrice a week, as I make my way to work down our town's main avenue.
I don't like the journey; yet I do.
For a single, lonely woman... It's a dark, and scary journey. Imagination gets the best of you and you think anything and everything will jump out of some bush, and get you. You think that the car that just abruptly stopped in front of you means to hurt you, when it's really just a paperboy... just doing his thing.
You even get a little whiny during the journey: If only I had a car... if only I had a better job... Why didn't I do my Master's when I had the chance... Why didn't I just become a lawyer when I had the chance.. Why couldn't I have found a rich husband, so I could just sit on my can, and eat bonbons all day... *Really*
(I didn't say ALL my whining would be rational...)
Still, the 45 minute journey is a necessary time of introspection, which might otherwise go very much avoided thanks to our gadget-obsessed lives. (Sure, I could meditate while exercising at a comfortable time of the day, but I might not be as willing to face my fears as when they are staring at me so blatantly in the face.)
Our fears and inadequacies often haunt us; derail us from goals. Sometimes, it's outright paralyzing.
I have to admit that I'm a very dysfunctional adult. I'm riddled with mistakes to fix; mountainous obstacles from self made messes which I'll need to climb on my own... I admit I'm scared...
- Scared I'll never find a good career path, or even an inclination for one;
- Scared I'll never fix my credit and medical bills;
- Scared I'll never be loved and fully accepted;
- Scared of my impending divorce;
- Scared of not having health insurance;
- Scared that I don't see myself as an adult;
- Scared of being healthy, and in shape, for the first time ever... in my adult life.
Yes... it's true. All those things about me are TRUE. And yes... they are often my lonely, dark roads.
They are there to remind me that I need to love myself. That I, and only I... am enough. That even those roads have beautiful moments, smells, and memories... all waiting to be found and had.
We may, sometimes, have support to deal with some of our fears... but some roads will require that we walk alone, and in self love.
"And, oh boy, Diabetes, I don't want to self love," I tell myself... I spent a good, long childhood, being ignored by my parents; and a good young adulthood being a hermit crab... Ah, why must I pay attention now?
*Whine*
Why must we dare to live, and have courage, and dream... And be vulnerable?? (Say no to the pushy woman, at work, with the box full of cookies...)
Probably... because we are the biggest gift we could ever gift ourselves; WE... are the magic in our lives. And nothing else - NOTHING - will ever come close to that.
I'll try my hardest not to let it slip by.
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