The Diabetes Detour... Where am I, again?

One of life's many reminders that
 I am not alone, with diabetes.

"Who are you?," I asked, as strange and odd faces peered over me, picked me up and placed me on a stretcher. "What am I doing here?"

No one answered.

The world felt really odd, and weird. My head, compressed and pained, while my vision was at odds with my mind... as if I had put on a pair of someone's prescription glasses many times more powerful than my own vision, and making everything in sight oddly concave.

"She keeps saying that!" said the voice of a red headed woman with too much eye make up, in an exasperated tone, and incredulous that I could not remember who any of them were. Funny, I thought I'd only asked once. The attention was unnerving, and frightening... and their annoyance was oddly embarrassing. I really wanted to get out of there, and go home... If only I could of remembered where home was.

On October 26th, 2007, I had a massive seizure at my desk, at work... Or so they tell me. I can't remember when it started, or what provoked it... I can't remember much of anything about it, or that day, for that matter.

All I can remember is laying in a hospital bed, in a medical gown and no underwear, under the gaze of my former Human Resource Manager, and trying hard not to look like a woman who's not wearing a bra. He was a brutish man, with a hot temper, and little human resource education. It's the way of the world in some of these up and coming companies. You get to be buddy-buddy with the head honchos, join the good ol' boys club, and then it doesn't matter if you have any qualifications for a job. His way of qualifications was a 6 month stint as temporary HR manager back in 1984. (Yes, you can laugh out loud.)

... And so it was that a company who sold out to a much bigger company, coincided with a production foreman (wise in the ways of verbally intimidating employees) being made into an HR Manager (a position which requires extreme diplomacy), and me... developing extremely debilitating, and uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, with no one knowing what it was, at the time.

It was a perfect storm, really.

They needed to cut down on employees... and I got sick. I was a good target. We all knew they were going to cut SOMEONE. They kept having all those 'behind closed doors' meetings. And no one knew what I had at the time, so I got to be made to look like a mediocre employee who just wanted to play hooky and not show up to work. A great way to cut staff (and I made quite a bit of money, in my position, so it was quite the savings for them, I am sure). They had already tried to intimidate me... by demoting me, claiming I was unorganized, and had made many mistakes. (It didn't matter that, when I asked, they had absolutely no examples to provide to back up their assertions, other than my illness related absences, which had been closely monitored by my doctor... nor that a few months earlier, they had given me perfect praise... nor that my previous review had been above excellent.) They wanted to break ME as a person, and get me to quit. They wanted to treat ME as worthlessly as another unskilled production employee.

So, I had a seizure. It was on a Friday, and I spent a really ill weekend at the hospital. Went home on a Sunday, with a very chewed up tongue, migraines and dizziness issues... And when the HR Manager demanded I be at work on Monday -- but couldn't do so, for obvious reasons -- he fired me. The company NEVER contested my claims for unemployment insurance; they never even showed up for the hearing.

I can't tell you... HOW MUCH I have blamed myself over the years. How much I have felt like a worthless person who just couldn't keep running as hard as she could, who couldn't just grin, and bear it. Still, to this day, I sometimes have many nightmares... sometimes reoccurring dreams where someone calls me, 'forgives me,' and just gives me back my job. I loved my job. I loved making a difference. I loved making people smile with my organizational skills, and my programming skills, and my language interpreting skills. I loved interviewing new hires, and giving new employee orientations, and speaking to big audiences... I loved educating, and writing, and speaking, and everything I did. I had been promoted to a better position within 4 months of hire, and given hefty salary raises for my skills. I had dreams of further certifications, promotions, and continuous education degrees. I LOVED MY JOB. I loved my life. 

For many years I felt like I lost my soul on that day. I lost my soul, and I let myself go. I let myself go, and felt like I died. Long, lost, and forgotten... someone who forever had ruined her life. I felt great shame, and hurt. Great anger.

Diabetes came into my life with a BIG bang, and like a tsunami... washed up many parts of my life with it. Great post traumatic stress took over, and made me shy away from new jobs, job situations, and new friendships. Finding a job, a permanent one, and keeping it... for the last 5 years has been HARD. I wanted to cry and wallow in self pity.

Diabetes is HARD. And it's often embarrassing. And people JUDGE you. They do. People DON'T understand. People think their lives are textbook examples for how other people's lives need to be. They judge you, and they often try to bring you down.

But you get up. You get up, and pick up the pieces of you... as many times as you need to... and you keep going.

I now work minimum wage. I don't do anything near as glamorous as I once did. I have two jobs. I work unloading trucks, and at a fast food place. I don't even have a car. I walk long and far... just to make minimum wage. But I am... OKAY. I'm OKAY, and I am even happy, sometimes. Heck, I'd say most of the time.

My bosses don't really get diabetes... but they LISTEN,  and they try to understand, and try to help me be safe at work, and make concessions. My coworkers LISTEN, and they care... My bosses let me be ME, with diabetes. They let me be ME, in spite of diabetes. Sharing with coworkers the other day, and even opening up about my traumatic past, really made realize... that it's OKAY. That I can move on. THAT I AM SAFE.

Sometimes, some of those people I used to work with at the Human Resource job, show up for lunch at the fast food place. They seem to look down upon me with a certain pity in their eyes, or with embarrassment that I am doing a fast food job, and I just smile kindly back to them. I smile because I'm happy, and they don't understand my journey... and I hope they NEVER have to.

I smile... because though I loved, and miss my job... happiness and freedom are not found in jobs, nor what people think of us. They are found in those 5 year detours in the desert... when all you have is YOURSELF.

(... And, ironically, the original founder and owner of the company passed away, not long ago, of type 2 diabetes complications. I may have lost my job, money, insurance, etc... but I guess at least I still have my life... and boy am I LIVING it.) 

Awareness, Acceptance, and Perseverance

I really hate year end resolutions. Call me a little full of myself, perhaps, or a little 'pessimistic' if you want, but I find it beyond silly how people don't realize they're being played like puppets, every January. I mean, really? Come on... How can you not tell?? You can't seriously believe you can get on a cereal diet, a milk shake diet, a soup diet, a sprinkle crap on your food diet, a yogurt diet, smoke water vapor cigarettes, etc, and think that all your weight/health issues, whatever else, will magically just melt away... Or paying $200+ for some incredibly UNREALISTIC exercise regimen with some guy, ripped beyond belief, who probably DOES NOT use this video at home, and spends 20 hours at the gym, every day, GETTING PAID to be there.

What's worse... is that people have changed the 'motto' from "resolutions," to "goals," thinking that by changing the name, and breaking down the resolution into goals, this is somehow going to help. Or... giving it silly acronyms to make it easier to remember, or deal with. People, please! Your life is NOT an acronym. I can't even remember what DSMA stands for, half the frigging time! SMART goals my ass! How about actually being SMART about how putting ourselves on the spotlight has never worked for anyone? Spotlights are for people who pretend: Actors.

Let me see, how can I describe it a little better for you... I remember when I was 7 years old. The weight issues related to my PCOS had been taking quite the foothold in my body, and clothes were really not fitting me so well. I remember visiting shops looking for a First Communion dress, with my mother... and she'd openly, loudly, complain to the store clerks how she was tired of me being so overweight and me not being able to fit into things. Then, of course, the clerks would chime in... sharing some nonsense, or unhelpful comment or another... like "Honey, your mom wants to be able to dress you like a little princess, so you need to stop eating, okay?"

I am sure you have your OWN equivalent of being embarrassingly put on the spotlight.

Well, when you embrace a new year's resolution, goal, or what have you, you are doing THE SAME THING to yourself... It's very similar to you putting yourself on the spotlight, to either your own self perceptions, or the whole world: they'll constantly ask you how your goals are going, if you've stayed on them, if you've cheated, try to get you to cheat, or POLICE your behavior as much as they can because they will all see themselves as IN THEIR RIGHT to come and make sure you are being a GOOD GIRL. What's worse is that you end up feeling like hell, or embarrassed in front of others, when you do stumble, and ruin that "perfect" new year slate.

Let me suggest to you... an alternative: Living life... with a little awareness, acceptance, and perseverance. 

Greaaaaaat, another empty motto, you might think.

Except... It's not a motto.  It's reality. If you stop, and pay attention, life's themes sort of start revealing themselves to you, one at a time. Yes. Life has themes. And those themes require, you guessed it... awareness, acceptance, and perseverance.

If you are binging, ignoring your diabetes, if you are... smoking, not exercising, or whatever else that binds you... Those behaviors are NOT your themes.  The themes are the underlying attitudes, and 'truths' you have allowed yourself to believe ABOUT yourself and life, which are enabling your behaviors.  And you can't fix those on any given 1st of any January, on any given year. It is SILLY to try to spend all kinds of time mopping the basement, if you don't first fix the leaky pipe.

If we are not aware of our themes, we can't fix them. In order to effect positive change, in our lives, we need to have an ongoing awareness, and an ongoing dialogue with ourselves, and an ongoing acceptance. Do NOT abandon yourself. 

We need to come to points, and places, where we accept our emotions, and try to help our inner persons cope with WHY we feel those emotions. I'm not talking about silly little 'goals' here, like "I resolve to put the toilette lid down, every time, from now on..." I am talking about the things that form, and shape, and cement our daily lives... into the WHO we are, right now... and tomorrow. 

If we don't know our themes, we can break that resolution down into 20,000 goals, and we are still destined to FAIL and be right back at square one, next January. I KID YOU NOT.

Listen to me, here, people...

• Your internal dialogue... is not to be shared with unhelpful people. This conversation is between you, and yourself, and perhaps the 20,000 other people who might read your blog (God help me). 
• Your internal dialogue has no beginning, and it has no end. It is happening right now, as we speak, yet you may go about your daily life ignoring it.
• Your internal dialogue is about perseverance... but once you learn a truth, you cannot unlearn it. It's like reading a book. Once you learn a deep truth about yourself, well... there's no turning back. It sort of magically sets you free... (I used to love Burger King. Burger King gives me EXTREME gastric upset, probably the equivalent of ten Metformin pills. After 4 or 5 episodes of this, I can guarantee you I shall NEVER unlearn this. It is NEVER up for debate.) 
• EVERY day is a new year. Seriously. On any given day, you can say to yourself... "A year from now, I'll wish I would have started today." There is no reason to assign yourself a magical start date to pass/fail yourself like a child needing approval from Mrs. ShameMyself. 
• A new year is NOT meant for these things! A new year is meant for you to EXAMINE your life: the things you are thankful for, the blessings you have been granted (by life, God, however you see it), and the LESSONS you learned from your trials and challenges, and your mistakes. YES, YOUR MISTAKES. Be thankful for those mistakes.Those lessons are probably the things that will help you with your life themes! Those lessons have already changed, and shaped your life and behavior, for a better 2012, without pre-assigned resolution. If you resolve to do anything, anything at all... Resolve to really EXAMINE your life with some amount of prudent, sober acceptance, every new year's eve. Heck, EVERY DAY. 

Life is not about those boxes people want to put us in. Don't be the idiot debating whether the glass of life is half full, or half empty... when there's obviously more in store, in the fridge.